New Bathroom Review added every Tuesday
Bathroom Vidcast every 4th Tuesday
We, the editors of this journal, hereby grant you a forum to locate, investigate, evaluate, and debate something we all encounter in varying capacities: the pubic and semi-public bathroom. Too often have we observed our fellow human trying to find a comfortable environment in which to execute certain natural functions of the body. Therefore, we have selected and visited various noteworthy public bathrooms in New York City and have provided a brief summary for each. Four new bathroom reviews will be added every month.
The criteria used to gauge their merit includes but is not limited to: cleanliness, decor, scent, comfort, and where appropriate, manner of the attendant. We found that these bathrooms ran the gamut of quality, and thus designated a score for each, with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest.
Included in the Bathroom Review are a map of Manhattan marked with the bathrooms previously rated, a video podcast containing slideshows and narration by a guest POTG Radio character, and a public forum so that you, the reader, may bring to attention your own lavatory findings. We invite everyone to join in on discussion and submit their own reviews to the message board.
To the betterment of lavatories near and far,
The Planet of the Grapes Bathroom Review Editorial Board
Above photograph: credit ©Josh Heller
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Guitar Center
14th Street, Union Square
July 01, 2008
From the coast-to-coast chain store that brought you celebrity endorsements from John Mayer, Melissa Etheridge, and the guitarist whose name you can't remember from that band whose name you also can't remember, Guitar Center was built on 14th Street perhaps in an attempt to appeal to the hipsters and street artists that have made Union Square their home. Its thoroughly corporate flavoring, however, likely sets it up for failure in that regard. Perhaps, like us, the Union Square loafers are hip to the fact that Guitar Center is in a very convenient location to serve as a public toile
The bathroom is basic as can be, and soap was sparse when we visited. The walls and floor are gray, with those small square floor tiles. It's the equivalent of that guy who keeps writing songs with the first four guitar chords (all major) that he ever learned. The only color here is the solid blue stall door. Our inside sources revealed that the salesmen on the floor were also responsible for cleaning the bathroom after the store closes-even though they only take home commission when all is said and done-which basically amounts to slavery. Maybe Prince was right for complaining how hard it is to be a musician, or salesman, or whatever. One cannot be blamed if selling a five thousand dollar guitar doesn't quite compete with the thrill of mopping the bathroom floor, but the upkeep of the facilities was certainly lacking on our visit. So, though we side with the salesmen here, we must say that someones is not doing their job. We also found pages from the Village Voice scattered across the floor. Most of them were job ads, probably left by the employees. Among the circled jobs were Assistant Janitor and Human Footstool. Reach for the stars, boys.
Rating: 4.5
Bloomingdales' Soho
504 Broadway
June 24, 2008
Soho Bloomingdale's will always live in the shadow of its older, snobbier, prettier sister, the original Bloomingdale's on the Upper East Side. At least the one in Soho is, well, in Soho...which is good if garbage on the streets makes you feel more authentic, and you prefer cocaine to prescription drugs.
While this will always be Wings and the UES side location will always be the Beatles, this location's bathrooms make a mark for themselves, like the aforementioned younger sister trying out for the rugby team just to stand out. But these bathrooms succeed in offering some unique accommodations. The stars of the show are the walls, covered in beautiful, textured tiles that we deemed a cross between jade and limestone that reminded us of our stay in the palace of an unnamed Chinese princess. On the walls hang a series of modern pinup pics, and kudos to the artist for choosing an authentic-looking model...she was pre-heroin chic and looked like she could enjoy a hamburger without guilt but still gets to the gym. Long lights hung on the sides of the sinks like vanity lights dripping downward as painted by Salvador Dali, and stainless steel baby changing station give well-to-do tots a chance to get up close and personal with their future refrigerators. An almost full-length mirror lets you almost assess your entire outfit. One of the toilets on our visit was unfortunately stuffed with toilet paper and God knows what else...receipts, therapist bills, Sex and the City ticket stubs? That of course was incidental and can happen anywhere, and unless it reflects a negligent cleaning staff, these bathrooms do the Bloomingdale's name well.
Rating: 7.0
Apple Store, Soho
Corner of Prince & Greene Streets
June 17, 2008
At least one of us has a love/hate relationship with technology, at least one of us is a gadget man, and at least two of us will be nicknamed "Cream of Wheat" during brief prison stints. Regardless of all that, there is a Mac Store not only uptown on 5th Ave, but also downtown in possibly-not-as-chic anymore SoHo. (For you out-of-towners that stands for SOuthern HOspitality does not exist in New York).
During our search for the second floor bathroom, we witnessed a large in-store theater being used for an official Mac store presentation: a perky young girl was teaching a group of middle-aged people the joys of using bookmarks on their Internet browsers. At least they wasn't trying to reel the folks into investing in condos on swampland in Florida.
As for the bathroom, its silvery minimalism is reminiscent of the uptown location. The faucet has a very ergonomic design, but apparently it's already obsolete technology as of this writing. Steve Jobs reportedly has a faucet in his house that only requires you to think about water and it starts flowing (guests still have to pay $499 to use it, however). People in orange shirts scatter in and out to clean the bathrooms on an alarmingly regular basis, the female staff in particular is not shy about walking into the bathroom of the opposite sex. One of the urinals was out of order, covered in a plastic tent like a body not yet hauled off to the morgue. A plunger and toilet brush in the stall implied that they want you to use the toilet only for urinating. The bottom line is that this bathroom is generally clean and pleasant, but Jobs has left several hints to get his message across: "Urinate, then get back to buying my products."
Rating: 6.0
Crate & Barrel
611 Broadway & Houston Street
June 10, 2008
Crate & Barrel is the home away from home for furniture shoppers. They let you try out their chairs and sofas and call you downstairs when dinner is ready. It seems like an appropriate reward for traversing through the obstacle course of breakable glasses and dishware that guard the entrance. Crate & Barrel comes off as an inviting mother with a post-modern flair. It came as no surprise to find a bathroom accessible to the public.
While some establishments care about their bathrooms, Crate & Barrel cares about the people using them and takes that often-missed extra step. The room has an off-white porcelain brick pattern and gray floor tiles. Three urinals lined the back wall, one lower to the ground in the popular "duck duck goose" style. On each side of the wide mirror hung two fancy wall lamps which provided a pleasant ambience and distinguished look (and they're on sale too). The presence of paper towels and a hand dryer give you the option of saving the earth then guilt-trip you into actually doing it. The bathroom sported one stall, referred to as "The Executive". This cushy toilet suite, besides being handicap accessible, sported its own trash can, baby changing station, sink, wide mirror, framed paintings, and lights (though the light filament was exposed, and the liquor cabinet needed a refill). Overall, the style came close to matching the astonishing cleanliness of the bathroom. The odd man out are the faucets: though pleasant in design, the silver material does not match the stall, divider or any other reflective object in the room. It seems more like a hard sell to unload the excess of faucets from their last shipment.
Rating: 7.5
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