The name says it all...sleep well, ladies.
The only other caller and guest who rivals the Gyros in loudness and intensity, this deep and tortured soul somehow brings people back from the dead for POTG Radio to interview. He is looking for a nice Jewish girl.
A friend for many years, Bill lets his guard down on POTG Radio: He speaks in his real voice (high-pitched), and shares ludicrous ideas like negative money and ejaculatories.
Birdbest is one of Birdman's illegitimate children, a black bird that makes a living giving eulogies for people he doesn't know. Like his father, he has led a colorful and eventful life, and he loves giving his own opinion.
Another of Birdman's creations, Birdbunch is a hideously deformed bundle of conjoined septuplets that share between them few brains and fewer mouths.
With his shrill voice, helmet made of teeth, and equal loves of cheese and indiscriminate sexual encounters (sometimes both at the same time), Birdman is a colorful character even among POTG Radio callers and guests. He is a six foot tall, upright walking, humanoid bird who wants to fly to the sun but never makes it past the atmosphere. A perpetual thorn in POTG Radio's side, he is always trying to one-up the POTG Radio hosts. He has his own show, Planet of the Cheese, with cohorts Ronald and Deeze Nuts.
JC Superstar's mother, she tried to steal the Crown Jewels of England. She "fell on them" and they got lodged in her heart. The result is that she survived but became royal because of their power. She now believes she is something between British royalty and a Southern plantation owner's daughter. Either way, she's difficult to date.
The second member of Planet of the Cheese, he took his name as a "negative homage" to POTG Radio host Deeze Beans. A short, decrepit-looking, troll-like man, he designed the bomb that blew 2/3 of Chile around the world onto Libya. POTG Radio hears from him the least often of their rivals, but when they do, he's usually yelling. He is also the father of numerous grotesque crustaceans.
The resident qualified psychologist (unlike Mole Man and JC), he has the requisite clinic in Switzerland, vaguely Germanic accent, and excellent water pressure in his shower. His left boot is possessed by Keith Richards and his right boot is possessed by Michael Bolton. They enjoy interrupting him.
This military man loves being "intense" and waging battles for any reason, so don't touch his yogurt. He commands a group of "men," but no one is sure where they come from or if Gen. Gyro in fact heads any legitimate army. His wife is just as strong and loud as he is, and they wrestle bears as foreplay before fight fucking. Love is beautiful.
The perpetually underachieving younger brother of Grimace, Gimnael is larger, but his skin is white and shriveled from a life on the road; he heads a motorcycle gang. He hates harlequins, after flying harlequins from a travelling circus attacked and had a "war" with his gang in the Canadian plains. Gimnael, in the end, just wants to be loved.
A twelve foot tall, repugnant gorilla surrounded by flies and covered in Vaseline, he is one of the most feared wrestlers in Lipton's circuit. His finishing move?: He consoles your head on his chest as if he's comforting you, then pounds your skull between his fists and his exceptionally hard pectoral muscles.
Grimace has a very long lifespan. He got out of the old lifestyle, which included highway orgies and waking up in churches without knowing how he got there (this was in the 60s and 70s), and now is fierce rivals with Ronald. He is consequently now good friends with POTG Radio, and always provides wisdom and rationality on the show. He was to assume a leadership position in Yugoslavia before the Bosnian war, and now commands an independent battleship that sails around the world. Still a partier, there are often Hawaiian Tropics girls on his ship. He exclusively revealed to POTG Radio that he is in fact a large plum.
Mole Man's rival in both pop psychology and politics, JC has a show called "Heal or No Heal" and a fledgling website of the same name. He is the opposing candidate for "Ruler of United Scandinavia." To win, one must receive 100% of the vote for one day. It's been a long race.
This New York-based billionaire has slippers with snakes' heads on the toe...and the snakes are still alive. One of his many businesses is an elite underground wrestling circuit, where your worth must equal "33% of 33% of the national debt" just to attend. It is based primarily in remote parts of Asia and the Middle East. His shaved head and face mask are his signatures...which makes it hard to sign credit cards (who's writing this shit?)
"I'm a mole...man!" is about as witty as he gets. He loves giving advice and is running for a seat as "Ruler of United Scandinavia." When Fozzy the Bear was on the show, he claimed to be Mole Man, but was actually suffering from multiple personality disorder...please don't call it schizophrenia, that's not accurate.
When POTG Radio was off the air in the early 2000s, Newton Folds bought the domain name and tried to keep the radio show alive with a bad walkman and some cassette tapes. He may or may not have Jessica Simpson stapled to his wall, but definitely has "posters of the cosmos." He has now started his own show, "Newton Folds Radio."
Though a cow, he is actually male, and a star Brazilian soccer player. His many udders produce many things, such as perfect SAT scores, diet tips, and, conveniently, bicycle kicks.
When the millennium hit, this henchman for the Planet of the Cheese organization decided to change his burglarizing from hamburgers to quail. He enjoys stealing quail in Norway especially, as well as conducting "ski wars": putting gun powder on clowns, thus making them explosive, and then throwing them at friends as they ski down the Alps. He has a limited capacity for loyalty and metaphor.
Also known as "the Simmons du Richarde," he is the other health guru who checks in with POTG Radio. He and Slim grew up poor together in Romania and have a bond. His new "Scarf Workout" involves exercising nude with a fiber rich scarf around your neck to work up a sweat, then eating the scarf.
The flamboyant ringleader of Planet of the Cheese who uses and abuses just about everyone is smarter and thus more dangerous than Birdman. He has both a love of leather overalls and political sway in certain parts of the world. His "food organization" is really a front for all kinds of sordid activities. His "floating cheese palace" in the sky recently crached into Venice and is destroyed.
Slim is a health guru who wears a skin tight body suit with paintings of bones and organs on it to teach people about what is inside the human body. Some say the suit never comes off.
Starman was a wrestler and champion for many years in Lipton's wrestling circuit before being "abandoned" by him. His record of wins is impressive considering his suit is pink.
Conspiracy theorist extraordinaire, he originally purported that the moon is made of beef stew. He lives in suburban New York bit has a camp in New Mexico for his three hundred "Rasmatarians." He has a fondness for wearing goggles.
Willow is the man behind the hosts. He is the show's producer, manager, and studio whiz, having designed and maintaining the most advanced phone system in radio. He has a sweetooth for alcohol and sometime leaves to drink on the job, but in 2007 is trying to kick the habit with the help of his girlfriend, Withering Witherspoon, a midget Reese Witherspoon impersonator.
The New Age musician has been a friend for many years. He revealed to the hosts that he originally existed as a Greek statue, and when Zeus changed him into a man, he left one part marble...let's just say Yanni will never need Viagra.
The Greek god of gods (don't tell him we didn't capitalize) is trying to break into show business in Vegas. He still hangs out on Mt. Olympus and is generally not amused.
Radio content ©2007 Planet of the Grapes. Illustration by Darcy Vorhees, ©2007 Darcy Vorhees. All Rights Reserved.