Lights up. STACIE and RICK step inside of an apartment and look around the living room. RONALDO is on the telephone. BECK AND WINSTON are playing chess.
Hey Beck, see the two pair of legs walkin in?
Yup. How long you give’em?
Till they’re dead? Bout fourty years.
You’re a high-shooter, ain’t ya?
I can’t believe you found this, it’s wonderful!
I know. You gotta check out the bedrooms. We can fit a pool table in EACH!
Rick, we are NOT getting a pool table. I thought we talked about this.
(on phone) Well, they’re real, honey, and so’s the palm I’m gonna slap you with when I get down there! I gotta go. (He hangs up the phone and turns around to face them) Do you speak English, or at least Vietnamese?
Hi, I’m Rick, the guy who responded to your craigslist posting.
Oh yes? And who’s this? This isn’t a dinner for three.
This is my girlfriend Stacie. What dinner? We’re looking at the apartment.
Oh, right, THAT posting. MB, no BM. Ok, follow me. This is what they called back in the day a “living condition.” It was erected in 1735. Washington slept here, did you know that?
No, I didn’t.
Well, you just found that out. You’ll be getting 3500 square feet of space. The ceilings are twelve feet.
Oh my god, it’s gorgeous!
No kidding, sister. Rent-controlled places like these come along once… ever. As in you’re standing in the only one. Two full bathrooms, though one’s a bit busy right now. (Sighs) Now, the carpets I’ll be taking with me, but the rest… (STACIE SCREAMS) Say again?
Who the hell is this?!
That’s Greg, our resident artist. Everyone round here calls him Cocaine.
Please, kill me.
He hangs out here every once in a while.
Well, not while we’re living here!!
Oh, no, he’s part of the building. Police order, he can’t leave the block in return for housing. Now, you won’t be making any loud noises, will you? Cause you’ll be living above some guys calling themselves chemical agents, and they work with highly volatile chemicals all day long, it’s like Suzy down at the salon, dig, find any treasure?
Well, I have a band, we’re gonna use the second bedroom for a rehearsal space.
Excuse me, second bedroom? Nah ah, you’re only getting one of them.
But you said the apartment was available. You’re gonna sell me half an apartment?
Ok, somebody doesn’t understand the spirit of Christmas.
It’s July!!
Please, grant me the ability to deal with fools. This is a share, Simon! No rent, no sale, SHARE. You’ll be SHARING the apartment with me, Greg, The Checkmate Twins and Liam, who should be DONE IN THERE BY NOW!! (POUNDS ON A DOOR) Hello, Liam!?
WINSTON and BECK are sitting in chairs against the wall, facing the group while they play their game of chess without watching the pieces.
I’m a yesotheloke bloke. Did you know that?
Of course I do. I’m god. Heh, but you’ll never know that, cause right now, you’re seeing Winston. Heh, eyes.
Winston rolls his eyes. LIAM steps out of one of the other rooms and bumps into Stacie.
Oh… my apologies, madam.
Liam removes a rose from his jacket, sniffs it and hands it to her. She takes it, blushing.
Oh, um… thank you.
Hey, that’s my girlfriend, buddy!!
People, can we settle down? This is NOT the inter-continental championship match! We are renting out a room!
Well, you know what? This is false advertising! I’m gonna have you reported. How the hell do you expect ANYONE to move in with a bunch of freaks!?
We don’t. That’s why I put paprika on what you call the TRUTH!
You know what? Forget it. We’re leaving. Stacie, let’s go!
Rick storms out. Stacie slowly follows but stops at the door. She looks at Liam, who smiles back at her.
Why would you live with these people?
Heheh, yes, they are a bit colorful. However, it is only three blocks from the A train.
Oh… could I see the other bathroom?