There is a secret place on one of the small islands off the coast of South Africa. From this place, you can glimpse upon the entire world and find peace and enlightenment as the earth unravels her many thoughts and riddles. They say the water there has amazing magical abilities to turn back time and restore you to your youth, even when you stand at the end of your life. Truly, this is one of the miracles of God.
Child: Cool! Can you take me there?
No. Shut up and eat your turkey sandwich. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, the guy next door, Boy Man. Now, you know how the drill goes. Lobster Man across the street, he's half-lobster, half-man. Then there's Thought Man down the block; he doesn't have a physical form, but he exists in the minds of everybody at that corner. Oh, yeah, and Quit Man upstairs. He quits everything: jobs, drugs, releasing waste from his body. He won't last long... they never do. See, I'm the champion of holdin' my shits in. But enough about me. This is about Boy Man. Yeah, you've seen 'im: 6'2", muscles, and that fag shirt "I fought in 'Nam!"
Child's Minority Friend: I thought fighting in 'Nam made you tough?
Times changed. Quickly. Already. Who the hell let you in here anyway?
CMF: You did, jackass. And this isn't your house, this is the Yonkers Racetrack.
Right.
CMF: No, I'm white.
You're what? Nevermind, I don't really care. So, Boy Man... yeah, then you look up at his head and you think he's some kind of fuckin' voodoo nutcase. His head is obviously that of an eight year old boy, short blonde hair, chubby cheeks, big eyes and that doll mouth. Just the way I like it... I mean, whatever. So he's sittin around one day with a couple of his friends: Juice Man, Breathe Man and Derek LaPenna from the 3rd floor.
Child: Objection! Derek is obviously not friends with Boy Man! In fact, I know that they are sworn enemies!
Judge: Sustained.
Uuughh, fine. Point is, though, he was there through a mutual friend, sources say. And the news was on, and on the TV is this Girl Man. The body of a fine, mature woman with the head of an eight year old girl. Boy Man was captivated by her beauty. Every word that came out of her mouth was like sweet music to his ears. He had to have her. He had to find out where she lived and marry her. And he said out loud, "Who is Girl Man?" That confirmed his quest... his great journey into the unknown.
And then Derek turned to him and said, "What are you, fuckin' stupid? YOU'RE Girl Man!"
"What are you- Nooo! No I'm not!"
"Admit it," said Juice man. "It's obvious. You're not deft in the art of makeup, and you didn't even try to put on a feminine voice. It's obviously you." Breathe Man only nodded, since he can never breathe. Boy Man had to sigh in defeat. Girl Man was, in fact, Boy Man trying to be a girl man. He became infatuated with the female figure, but also with his own child-like features. He had been playing dress up for years, as a result of his sisters dressing him up like dolls when he was just a boy boy, if that makes any sense.
CMF: (nodding tenderly) It does.
...What's with you?
CMF: I'm better than everyone. Leave it at that.
Ok, one more word out of you, and I'll be betting on YOUR hide out there! As I was saying... Boy Man was down because he had been dateless for years. But today was the day he was gonna try and get a date. Ok, great, go for it. Except one thing there, boy-face. The whole city was freaked out by his premature puss, so getting a date would be hard. But he did his best to look as good as he could manage and headed outside.
Outside the apartment building, Crab Man, who always sits out in the open air, makes a comment to Boy Man in his dishy voice, "What, did the doctor leave your better half in the womb?"
"Crab Man," Boy Man replied, "it's me, you''ve seen me before."
"I have?" Crab man pinched his glasses and took a closer look. "Oh yes, it is you. I thought there was more than one of you freaks running around the city."
"Thanks... I think. Have you seen any females like me perhaps?" Crab Man shook his shell... cause he don't got a head.
CMF: Whatever.
Alright, that's it, get the fuck out of my apartment, ya little shit!!
CMF: Ow! Hey, back off with the broom! That's it, I'm leaving, screw you Jimmy!
Child: You realize that was my only friend.
Yeah, maybe if you did something about that face of yours, you'd have more friends... And less bruises. ANYWAY, Crab Man said, "No, one's enough. Lets me know I'm not losing my vision. It's one of the last few things I have."
"Wow, I'm sorry to hear that."
"What would you know about loss, embryo?!" Suddenly, Crab Man's eyes filled with a bitter flame as he spotted a man walking down the street in their direction. The man wore a golden crown on his head and a diaper around his wide girth. He had a smug little grin on his face.
"King Hudson," Crab Man snarled.
"That's it," said Boy Man as he walked away, "I'm getting out of the line of fire this time!" Even from five blocks away, Boy Man could hear hudson's fat, sloppy chuckle. Eh, that's what ye's get on a diet consisting solely of sticks of butter. So anwyay, Boy Man searched and searched the entire city, but he couldn't find anybody to match his deformed physique. So then the poor bastard collapses on 78th and CPW and starts sobbing.
And get this. Then he starts hearin this voice. "Hey, mister, are you ok?" He looks up, and lo and behold, is a very adult female body with an underdeveloped head. Well, you can bet he went wild. So he finds Girl Woman, now he's gotta ask her out.
"Hey..." he says "Yeah, I'm ok. Things have been a bit tough lately, that's all."
"Sorry to hear that. Hey, you wanna go get dinner?"
Yeah, so she asks him out! So they go out to dinner, have a lovely time, get back to his place and make the loudest racket over Crab Man's apartment. You can bet that thickhead was fuming. And so, he lives happily ever after in jail for a while.
Child: Wait, how'd we get to jail?
You should know how YOU got there. As for Boy Man, the romance turned into a brief and pathetic court battle. Turns out his date was a girl girl, and her parents had him locked away for years. His defense was that she looked like a freak like he did. So she gets insulted and dumps his ass.
Child: You're a weird kid.
That's it, get the fuck out!