Peter LaQuinn was not considered a genius, nor did he want to be one. He concerned himself with his art, namely interior design, and not much else. Ronald LaPuce owned a restaurant on the corner of 52nd and Second, and he needed someone to design the interior of the new eatery he was opening, tentatively titled "Cosmo's Electron Helmet." After placing several phone calls, he was able to get in touch with Peter LaQuinn. Peter LaQuinn met with Ronald LaPuce in the empty storefront that would become "Cosmo's Electron Helmet." They sat in a dusty booth (the property had previously housed a diner) and talked business.
"What do you think you can do with this place?" asked Mr. LaPuce, dressed in an Italian suit and snakeskin boots.
"Well, it's supposed to be a 'progressive diner' isn't it?" replied Peter LaQuinn, wearing a Taiwanese T-shirt.
"Yes, I bought the old one and will make this my own, and it has an alternative menu. Hip stuff for the new millennium, ya know? Here." He handed Peter a menu.
"Swordfish hamburgers. Is that a patty made of swordfish meat?" Peter asked.
"Well…that's a good idea. It was supposed to be just a beef patty in the shape of a swordfish. Let me write that down in my notebook." Ronald took out a laptop.
"You can order cologne by the spray or bottle?"
"Why not? Michael loved the idea, but I had it first."
"Michael?"
"Jordan. He's a restaurateur as well."
"Oh. I see you have squidlip fontaigne as an appetizer."
"Yes, it's a delicacy in France," stated Ronald.
"What's fontaigne?"
"I think it means 'fountain'."
"Maybe the centerpiece of the dining area could be a squid fountain. Like a stone squid spouting water. Maybe ink," offered Peter.
"Or impure thoughts." Both laughed. Neither one knew what the other was talking about. "Well, I have to run. Don't call us, we'll call you."
"Okay, but…"
"Sorry, gotta run. Dentist appointment." Ronald LaPuce folded his laptop, put it into his diamond-studded briefcase, and ran out. Peter LaQuinn hurried out the door, trying to keep up with Mr. LaPuce, who had already managed to hail a cab and jump in.
"Take care, Mr. LaQuinn," yelled Mr. LaPuce as the cab sped away.
Two days later, Peter LaQuinn was sitting in the living room of his apartment on the Lay-Z-Boy, in boxers, watching reruns of The Dinosaur Love Connection/Boat, when the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Peter LaQuinn?" a cold, empty voice inquired.
"Yes."
"Hi, my name is Skeletor. I am Ronald LaPuce's secretary. We don't have sex."
"Hi," said Peter.
"I'm sorry, but I must inform you that, though you had a very good application, the job of designing the diner has gone to Victor McPerfect."
"Victor McPerfect?"
"Yes, apparently he doesn't suggest having fountains that spout the blood of innocent children. And he is a genius."
"Blood of innocent children?!"
"Yes."
"I never said that!"
"I'm sorry, Mr. LaQuinn, I am only the messenger. I am also a skeleton-man. Goodbye."
Peter LaQuinn hung up the phone, dejected. He then placed a few calls to friends at the School of Interior Design, or SID, and found out Victor McPerfect's address. Peter LaQuinn put his pants on and cycled (the hip way to say bicycled) over to McPerfect's residence. Upon arriving he chained his bicycle to a parking meter, ascended the steps to Victor McPerfect's posh Upper East Side townhouse and knocked on the mahogany door.
"Just a moment." After a moment, a maid answered the door. She was beautiful, or at least in the eyes that were beholding her, which were Peter LaQuinn's eyes. The most distinctive thing about her was her waist-length, wavy, and very healthy-looking red hair. In fact, it was so overwhelming that at first Peter LaQuinn didn't notice that her face was perfectly symmetrical or that her skin was perfectly even and that her eyes were perfectly green, if green or eyes could be perfect.
"Greetings, I am Peter LaQuinn from the School of Interior Design, also known as SID, and I must request the presence, however brief, of Victor McPerfect."
It was true that he had attended the school, but saying he was from the school made it sound much more important.
"Ah, of course, come in. Allow me to lead you to the sitting room."
"Thank you," offered Peter, trying to keep his cool. The maid led him through a hallway laden with the works: a red carpet, tapestries of French kings, autographed pictures of celebrities. She turned left into a room with a table, sofa, grandfather clock, and large chairs.
"I will go alert Mr. McPerfect to your presence. It's nice that you will get to speak with him. He is a genius, you know."
"Of course." The maid exited. Peter LaQuinn sat down and looked over the plans he had made for Ronald LaPuce's eatery. He had worked on ideas despite his not getting the job. He was curious as to what Victor McPerfect would say, even though he thought his own plans were wonderful. Peter had included all of the fixings that he felt would benefit a progressive eatery: a small barbershop in one part of the restaurant, tables in the shapes of horses, the kitchen area in the middle of the dining room, Gustav Holz' The Planets perpetually playing in the background, and of course, the squid fountain, which would provide the ink for the handwritten menus. If Mr. LaPuce thought this to be inadequate, Peter LaQuinn felt compelled to seek out the man who had beaten him. Though LaPuce was just one man with one opinion, Peter LaQuinn was curious nevertheless. The maid's voice broke his train of thought.
"I present Victor McPerfect!" She wheeled in a mirror. Peter LaQuinn caught himself in the mirror.
"I am good-looking," he thought. "Wait," he said out loud. "What does this mean?"
"It means you got the job!" yelled Ronald LaPuce as he jumped out of his hiding place in the grandfather clock/trapdoor to a secret tunnel.
"Wait…"
"Ha! There's no Victor McPerfect! I rigged the whole thing! I wanted you to know I trust your plans. This is your new house and your new maid! I love being rich!"
"Thank you…"
"You are a genius! I saw it right away! Let's make this restaurant! Now that you know you are a genius, you are a genius! But actually, forget everything I just said!"
Peter LaQuinn went on to design several of Ronald LaPuce's eateries. Most people did not like his work.