1. INT.- A TOWNHOUSE IN NEW YORK CITY-DAY
Three men in their early twenties are relaxing in a nicely furnished apartment. They are dressed in black from head to toe. JUSTIN is tall and thin with short and messy dark hair. BRAD has a similar build but his hair is longer and he has a light goatee. DEREK's complexion is slightly darker than the other two, and he also has a more muscular build. They are all listening to a radio broadcast.
And in cultural news, there will be a world-renowned exhibit making a stop at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. (The three lean closer). The newly discovered Kruger Collection that focuses around ancient Roman art will be open to the general public during its five week stay at the Met. The exhibit, which arrived from Amsterdam on Monday, debuts today and leaves on June 26. I'm Buster O'Flattery for NPR news.
(reaching to turn off the radio) There it is.
What we've been waiting for.
This is it, boys. We don't need statues. We don't need paintings. The crowning achievement in our careers will be this.
Julius Caesar's lungs.
Exactly.
I don't believe it...tonight's the night.
Of course. We strike the day it arrives, before they know what hit them.
And one last look this afternoon...
Exactly.
A BUTLER enters, carrying a silver tray with sandwiches and drinks on it. He is well-muscled and wears roller skates, a dress, and a bald cap.
Lunch is served.
Thank you, Butler.
The BUTLER skates around and serves the food and drinks.
Now, I know this is none of my business whatsoever-and I mean whatsoever, do you follow me people? However, it came to my attention that you will be scoping out the newly-placed exhibit in the museum later today, and then you will return tonight in an attempt to remove the emperor's lungs. Now, doesn't going during the day, put you at a greater risk?. Also, I'm pregnant.
I could see why you think that it's risky, but you're wrong.
Have you ever heard of masters of disguise? Because we are masters of disguise.
I know that you're masters of disguise.
Good.
I was just trying to help.
And we appreciate your help.
OK, so why don't you replace Caesar's lungs with other lungs? Julia Child's lungs, perhaps? No one will know the difference! You'll have the lungs, and no one will be the wiser! Ha!
You see, you don't seem to understand something, Butler. We steal for the thrill. Just like with Shakespeare's face cream and Dante's receipts, we're not going to sell the lungs. We don't need money, with Derek here having won the lottery four times. You know that.
What will you do with the lungs then?
Use them as flotation devices in the hot tub.
Just because we can.
That's why you're the bosses I guess. I'll be on my floor if you need me. (Starts to skate away).
By the way--congratulations on the baby.
2. EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE MUSEUM- DAY
BRAD, DEREK and JUSTIN are dressed in trench coats, wear pocket watches and hats, and carry canes DEREK wears a monocle, BRAD has a pipe, and they all have fake mustaches. They are approaching the large steps that lead to the entrance of the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
(speaking in a fake but very good English accent) Well, my boys, it's time to put on a bit of a show, wouldn't you say?
Right-o!
The three men approach a group of three women who are obviously tourists.
Good day, ladies. I see you plan a day at the artistic archives.
The what?
The artistic archives.
Or do they call it "museum" here in the States?
(laughing) Uhhh... it's called a museum.
Where are you from?
England.
I know. I meant what part of England?
Ohhhhh...
Chicago.
You don't have southern accents.
Chicago is in the Midwest.
Ohhh. Never was good at geography.
Don't you mean geometry?
Like the distance between two points is a line? (As he's saying this he draws an imaginary line with his finger between himself and WOMAN 2, then “magically” pulls out a rose from behind the woman's head and gives it to her).
Oh...my
Well you ladies have a lovely day at the races.
(walking away with the other two) Right.
Carry on.
The three men walk away and begin to climb the steps.
A MAN (1) in a white leotard lands on the steps just above them. He is wearing a jetpack and carries a bag.
(Dusting himself off. Speaks like a recording). Hello and welcome to movie phone. If you like movies, punch me in the face. If you like carrots, punch me in the stomach. If you like-
DEREK punches him in the face. The MAN falls down. Then, he stands back up).
You have selected movies. (Now speaks in a conversational tone). So, how are you guys doing? What would you like to see?
Do you have "Chariots of Fire?"
You bet.
The MAN takes a film projector and a reel out of his bag and proceeds to project the film onto his chest.
CUT TO: Insert. It reads "123 Minutes Later."
CUT BACK TO: 2. EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE MUSEUM- DAY
That is such good celluloid-based art!
Thank you, movie guy.
No problemo. (Puts on jetpack, prepares to take off). Just remember- pay me with your prayers.
Will do. (Turns to others). OK. Now it's time to definitely get down to business. (They hurry up the stairs).
3. INT. MUSEUM LOBBY- DAY
The three men approach the ticket booth. There is a ROBOT at the counter.
Welcome to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. How may I serve you?
Once over easy please.
I do not understand your command.
It was a jest, my friend.
I was not programmed to laugh (Quieter): And you were not programmed to be funny.
What did you say?
Nothing.
We would like three tickets to the exhibit on ancient Rome, if you will.
If I will what?
If you will, provide us with the stubs of admittance please.
Stubs of admittance?
Tickets.
Thirty dollars please. (They pay. The ROBOT hands them the tickets). Enjoy.
We plan on it.
Humph! English people!
4. INT. MUSEUM EXHIBITION HALL- DAY
The three men are walking around, admiring the exhibit. They overhear a
TOUR GUIDE speaking. They make their way to the back of the tour group and listen.
The ancient Romans had savage sports that would attract thousands of spectators to their Coliseums. This is how they kept people distracted from real life. One of the most popular games in ancient Roman times was called "E Pluribus Pigeons." It went something like this:
What the TOUR GUIDE says is now acted out in a space behind her:
Two convicted criminals wearing masks with the traditional bird beaks protruding from the nose would mount twelve foot tall domesticated pigeons. The pigeons were adorned with golden armor. The criminals would wait on opposite sides of the coliseum, each being sprayed with perfume by a group of female admirers for good luck. The perfume was made primarily of lizard blood. Then, when the Emperor or highest ranking official in the audience took off his boots, the gladiators would race to the center of the coliseum as fast as they could atop their swift giant pigeons. They would meet in the center, get off their pigeons, and would make mashed potatoes. Whoever made the best mashed potatoes won.
Fascinating.
Intriguing.
We should do it.
The three men continue to walk around the exhibit hall. They spot a MAN (2) taking pictures of the artwork,but trying to hide his action. There is yelling and commotion heard as two security guards, one a BEAR MAN (a six foot tall upright bear who speaks) and one an IGUANA MAN, run over to MAN 2.
I'm sorry, sir. We told you that you could not take pictures. We're going to have to ask you to leave.
Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
Excuse me sir, but as a Christian I am offended by your loose tongue.
A SHARK MAN, the head security officer, approaches the scene.
(To the guards) Good work, boys.
The GUARDS lead MAN 2 out of the museum. The SHARK MAN is now right next to BRAD, DEREK, and JUSTIN. He turns to them.
Yeah, we get some riff-raff in here sometimes. Even in museums. We gotta watch it, you know.
Of course.
You're protecting priceless art and culture.
Exactly. Now, I can tell that you are all decent men-where you from?
England.
Oh, lovely. Well, as I was saying, you are obviously cultured men who enjoy the museum.
Obviously.
But some people have no morals, and they come in here to scope the place out in order to... ... (Looks around) steal!
Oh, my!
Appalling!
I know, I know, but it happens. Well, you fellas enjoy yourselves. I've gotta go, but my name's Kent if you ever need me.
Thanks, Kent.
Hey, it's my job.
5. INT. THE TOWNHOUSE. NIGHT
BRAD, DEREK, and JUSTIN are all in black again. They have bags and gadgets sprawled out around the floor.
OK, so everyone has the floor plan committed to memory?
Of course. In fact, I just drew it out from memory.
Let me see if it matches my drawing (JUSTIN hands the paper over. DEREK examines it). Hmmmm. Matches mine perfectly.
Great.
Good thing we didn't use a camera like some people! (They laugh).
Please... we outclass the competition!.
We should definitely get "Thieves of the Year" for this.
Or at least "Best Lung Heist."
OK, focus, guys. (Checks his watch). We have to pack up and move out.
Sorry, Julius, but your lungs are ours!
6. EXT. MUSEUM ROOF. NIGHT
The three men are masked and wear black outfits and night goggles. They also wear
backpacks. DEREK is cutting Plexiglas that is on the floor of the roof. He pops out the piece he made. There is now a hole that provides direct access to the museum. JUSTIN takes out rope and walks over to secure a grappling hook on the ledge of the roof. Once it is secure, he walks back over to the hole, fastens the rope to his belt, and throws the rope down through the hole. He looks at the others, then proceeds to lower himself into the hole.
7. INT. MUSEUM EXHIBITION HALL- NIGHT
The three figures are seen lowering themselves toward the ground on
the rope. Though the museum is closed, there are still some lights on.
(singing) Why do birds suddenly appear..?
Shut up!
DEREK laughs.
(beginning to laugh). Oh, no. When this guy laughs, it's all over. (He touches the ground).
(beginning to laugh, too) Look, there might be security. Let's not get cocky.
You know what Kent could do...? Naaah, forget it, I'll tell you later. (DEREK touches the floor). Brad's right. It's time to go to work. (BRAD touches the floor).
They get into a circle and put their hands together.
OK, we've been waiting for this for a long time now. Let's just go to the lungs, and take them, because they belong to us.
You know, I never told you, but I'm a direct descendant of Julius Caesar. I have the legal right to these lungs.
No you don't.
I know.
Anyway. Remember where the alarms are, and... I think we're ready.
Wait. (He takes out a disposable camera). Get closer.
What? That's evidence!
You're wearing masks! Come on. (JUSTIN and BRAD put their arms around each other and pose). Smile. (Takes picture). Good.
The three start walking very slowly and deliberately. JUSTIN, who is leading, suddenly shoots his arm back to warn the other two.
(whispering) Wait!
Footsteps are heard. The three thieves see the silhouette of the SHARK MAN pass by the doorway of another hall. They retreat into the shadows.
Shit!
We don't need to go into that hall. Don't worry.
I know, I know. Still...
The SHARK MAN is now out of sight. The three continue their slow journey through the hall.
(pointing) Look at that.
The other two notice a statue of an orange MINOTAUR eating children. The three stop in their tracks.
Nice!
The MINOTAUR opens its eyes. It puts one finger up to it's mouth, makes the "shhhh" sign with its lips, and winks.
Okay...
Onward...
They continue walking. JUSTIN takes out a can and sprays its contents into the air. All of a sudden, a laser beam that runs across the room appears. It runs parallel to the ground, and is about three feet off of the ground. The three laugh.
Are you serious?
They only have one?
Oh, so you want it to be hard?
BRAD and DEREK walk up to it and simply step over it. JUSTIN limbos under it.
Show off.
You have no respect for the game.
Right.
Well, there she—it--is.
They look up and see two lungs encased in glass. The case sits atop a throne, twenty feet off the ground.
Okay. No surprises, boys. Nothing has changed.
DEREK begins changing into a white jumpsuit as BRAD and JUSTIN begin building something. DEREK begins stretching. He takes off his mask and puts on a helmet and flying goggles. We see that BRAD and JUSTIN have put together a small cannon.
Ready?
Ready.
DEREK gets into the cannon. JUSTIN goes behind it and pushes down on an air pump. The cannon makes a soft pop as DEREK flies out and lands on the cushion of the throne, right next to the lungs. He gives BRAD and JUSTIN the thumbs up. BRAD and JUSTIN now unfold a trampoline. DEREK picks up the encased lungs, and, on the signal, jumps safely onto the trampoline.
Good job.
DEREK gets out of the helmet, goggles, and jumpsuit and gets back into his black outfit as BRAD and JUSTIN fold the trampoline. They hear a noise and start to hurry. The cannon still stands.
Let's go. We can't put the cannon away. It doesn't matter.
They put the lung case in a black felt bag, tie it up, and start to run. The SHARK MAN sees them and starts to run after them.
Guards! We have burglars in Prout Hall!
BRAD, DEREK, and JUSTIN are far ahead of the guards. The SHARK MAN and IGUANA MAN run to the canon. The SHARK MAN gets in.
It's an air cannon, Winston! Pump it up a few times, then hit the release switch!
Sure thing, Kent!
IGUANA MAN does as he is told. SHARK MAN is shot out of the cannon and hurtles through the air right towards the three thieves. He lands on them and they fall in a heap on the museum floor. The SHARK MAN gets up first as BEAR MAN and IGUANA MAN run over to assist.
Ha! What are you gonna do now? (He takes off their masks)(In fake British accent) Fancy meeting you chaps here!
What?!
I have my ways. You're going to jail! That's all that matters in the end! No one fools around in Kent's museum. Tell your friends!
Hey. Let me ask you something. What kind of a shark is named "Kent?"
That's it, pal. Welcome to movie phone! (Punches JUSTIN in the face. BEAR MAN leads the three thieves away).
So Kent, can you tell me now how you knew they'd be making the heist tonight?
(Breathes out heavily). I'm sleeping with their butler.
8. EXT. JAIL COURTYARD- DAY
Extreme Close-up on JUSTIN's face--he has an intense expression. His head is bobbing up and down. Same for BRAD. We cut to see them meet in the courtyard's center atop giant pigeons. They jump off and start making mashed potatoes furiously on their respective stoves. The other inmates are shouting and cheering. DEREK is shaking his head disapprovingly.
We are gonna be so sick of mashed potatoes...
FIN.