The phone screamed, waking Brad from his peaceful slumber.
"Ludicrous residence," he answered
"Bradley, you're just getting up?!" The voice on the other end was like a dart flying into his ear.
"Yeah, mom. Derek and I had a little get together last night. You know, Minotaur Joe and all those guys."
"Well, you know you have to bring the turkey soup over to your grandmother's. She's very ill, and Doctor Utopia says that she's gotta have it every day."
"I know, mom. Derek and I'll run it over right now. I'm gonna go."
"Bradley, don't forget-Zeus loves you."
"Mom, I'm not a pagan!"
"Sure dear, I know."
"I'm getting off now. Bye, love you."
"I love you too, and so does Zu- " Click. Brad walked over to the black refrigerator and opened it. He glanced around, surveying the contents: an otter's skull, tuna cream, the Constitution, and the Russian boy, dressed in a doorman's uniform, who oversaw it all.
"Good morning, Zabokov," muttered Brad.
"Good morning sir. Vhy don't you eat something? You are skin and bones, no? EAT, it's good for you!" said the wide-eyed Zabokov.
"Listen, where is my grandma's turkey soup?"
"I am not sure what you are talking about."
"What? I told you it was important." Zabokov picked an icicle from his earlobe. Brad continued his search.
"Well, it's not here," said Brad. Suddenly, Derek ran into the kitchen, wearing flying goggles and a leather helmet.
"Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!" he screamed.
"Derek, you're going to wake the neighbors."
"Well, it's a great day, and I'm in an intense mood." He took off his goggles.
"Zabokov here says that he doesn't know where my grandma's turkey soup is."
"Doesn't the soup in question have medicinal properties for your ailing grandparent?"
"Yes."
"Well… what if someone stole it last night before departing?"
"Oh, Salome! Zabokov, aren't you supposed to be watching the valuables?” inquired an increasingly frustrated Brad.
"Sir, I am very sorry. It will never-" Brad slammed the refrigerator door.
"We've gotta get one from Greece. These Russian kids just don't cut it."
"Amen. Brad, what will we do? Your grandmother requires the nectar of the turkeys."
"I know, I know. And it's not like we can make it. You need special ingredients… Peroxide…"
"…Lucifer's hooves…"
"…a dentist…"
"…Unicorn meat."
"And it's all in the way you mix it."
"Yes." Derek paused. "Well Brad, hear my words. We have got some time on our hands…" Derek took the clock off the wall and threw it out the window. Brad nodded. “Let's find that soup!”
After placing phone calls to the people who were over at their apartment the night before, only to find that none could be reached, our two heroes stepped out onto the streets of Manhattan to begin their odyssey. They quickly navigated their way through the downtown crowds. Derek wore a white suit and had a bazooka strapped to his back. Brad wore jeans and a tee-shirt.
They took a subway up to Madison Square Garden. While on it, they witnessed a clown being born. It was not beautiful. Upon arriving at Madison Square Garden, they spoke in Mexican sign language to a security guard, who led them to a back door. After entering, the two whizzed through the familiar labyrinth and ended up in the New York Knicks' locker room. Brad approached the tall man with the name "Ewing" inscribed on the back of his jersey.
"Patrick."
He turned around, wiping his face with a towel. "Brad, Derek. Here to watch practice?"
"No, I've got a bit of a problem,” said Brad. “After the party last night-"
"Oh, man, great party. 'Pin the Tail on the Delivery Boy.' That was good stuff."
"Yeah, thanks, Patrick, but we don't have much time. We think someone took the turkey soup from the refrigerator."
"It serves as a healing aid for Brad's grandma," added Derek.
"Oh. Well, I really don't know too much about this. I can tell you one thing, though. Esau was complaining a lot that he was starting to feel sick."
"Damn it, that's right. Esau!" exclaimed Brad.
"I don't remember Esau saying that," said Derek.
"That's because you were hitting on the Fairy Sisters all night, Derek."
"Yes, right." No sooner did Derek smile at that last remark than he reached around his shoulder for the bazooka and blew up the sink. He let out a small giggle. Patrick was not amused.
"Well, it's not your sink." Derek was starting towards the door.
"I guess."
"All right, Patrick. Thanks for the tip," said Brad, leaving with Derek.
"Sure boys. Good luck. I'm gonna go blame the sink thing on a janitor." He winked at Derek.
Once outside again, they headed for Central Park, where their friend Esau lived. The day was clear and beautiful, but neither could really enjoy the walk. Serious things were on their minds. Upon reaching Central Park, they came to a grass hut in the woods, Esau's residence. Derek kicked open the door.
When both had entered, they realized that they were not in a grass hut at all, but rather suspended in mid air. All around them were purple clouds that seemed to go on forever. A robed figure quickly darted past and then began to orbit the two, who remained floating. The figure, however, did not have much control of himself. Brad and Derek glanced at each other knowingly. Derek decided to take advantage of the situation by shooting his bazooka wildly into the endless space and screaming at the top of his lungs. The figure came closer, apparently gaining a degree of composure, and managed to pull a remote control out from underneath his robes. The figure pushed a button on the remote, and suddenly the three were sitting on grass, surrounded by the walls of the hut.
"Esau, what the hell were you doing?" Brad was shaking his head. The robed figure took off his hood, revealing a small, inquisitive face swallowed by huge glasses.
"I, I, I, I was on the wrro, wrong channel."
"Wrong channel?" asked Derek. "That seemed right to me. Oh!"
"I, I was testing out the inter, inter-dimensional remote control."
"Nice." continued Derek.
"I want to, yeah, I want to get back in the Bible. I don't know how though."
"The Bible has its own dimension?" Derek thought back to Catholic grammar school. Then he realized he never went to school.
"Of course, sillo. It's the Bible."
"I thought you liked it here," offered Brad.
"Well, you guys are great, but I, I don't really fit in here, you know. I stand on the streeeeeet corner prophesizing and everyone thinks, yeah, thinks I'm a nut."
"How's Jacob?"
"Jacob's good."
Brad leaned forward. "So, how are you feeling?"
"Well, I have a cold coming on. But darn it, I always get colds, even in the summer."
"Could you go for some homemade turkey soup?"
"You know I can't digest that stuff. I'm on Bible diet."
"Oh yeah." Brad shot over a look to Derek. "What the hell was Patrick talking about?"
"Can you please not say the H-word? I hear it enough."
"Sorry. We'll make this quick. You were at the party last night. Do you know anything about the envelope of turkey soup that was in my refrigerator?"
"You know, I don't know, but I passed Fabio on the street today and he told me that if I saw you, to say that there's something he needs to tell you."
Brad and Derek were already heading for the door. “Thanks, Esau,” said Brad, halfway out of the hut.
It was not a long walk to Fifth Avenue. Fabio's chic "Spray Shop" was open for business. He saw Brad and Derek through the window and greeted them at the door.
"My boys, I am greatly honored that you have come to my store!" Derek picked up a bottle on display and sprayed the concept of love into his mouth.
"Do you want to take that bottle home with you? Take it home with you. It's on the house. I hope you enjoy. It's the newest-"
"Fabio, babe, we're here," shouted a new voice. The three men turned around to see two identical women dressed in dark business suits strutting into the shop. An entourage and paparazzi followed. Brad and Derek looked at each other. The Fairy Sisters were here, in rare form. Literally-they almost never assumed the shape of businesswomen.
"Fabio, I have a question-" started Brad.
"And I have an answer," said one of the sisters. She picked up a microphone and turned to a camera. Several news crews were already on the scene. "Yes ladies and gentlemen, it's all about turkey soup today here at Fabio's 'Spray Shop,' where anything and everything can be liquefied and put into a spray bottle."
"Wha?" began Derek, but thousands of reporters, mostly giants with jellyfish heads, flocked around the Fairy Sisters and pushed him out of the way. The voice of the sister with the microphone boomed through the shop. Derek looked around, trying to locate the speakers, but could not, which frustrated him greatly.
"Yes, today, Fabio unveils his newest invention, 'Turkey Soup Spray.' Estimates that recently came in from the Korean black market say that it will start at a billion dollars an ounce. Let the bidding begin!" Beautiful women walked onto a stage in the back of the store and waved posters that read "Round 1." Derek and Brad could not hear themselves think. A leprechaun got onto the podium and began screaming.
"We got a billionbilliondollarsheredoIhearabillionbilliondollars…" Suddenly, everyone stopped.
"Why, I have a billion dollars," said one of the Fairy Sisters. After a moment of silence, everyone applauded as she strutted to the stage. Brad and Derek were confused. They screamed, trying to get someone's attention. No one, not even the priests, turned around. Finally, Derek shot his bazooka into the air. The crowd turned to the two men in the back.
"My grandmother needs that soup!" shouted Brad. Fabio got onto the stage and spoke into the microphone.
"Bradley, Bradley. I did not get a chance to tell you that I took the soup last night. I was going to split the money with you. I did not know the Fairy Sisters were planning one of their 'extravaganzas.' Please, take the soup if your grandma needs it.”
"But it's mine," shouted the Sister. "It's worth a billion dollars an ounce for today only. It's Napoleon's birthday!" She started to cry. Fabio wrestled the bottle away from her and gave it to Brad and Derek.
"Sorry," he said. "Any time you want to spray frogs, let me know." Brad and Derek, still a bit taken back, left the scene.
They delivered the soup without further incident. The medicine worked even better than before, now that Brad's grandmother sprayed the turkey soup onto her chest. She fully recovered from her illness, and went on to start a religion based on Clue, the board game. The Fairy Sisters took out television and newspaper ads every day that bad-mouthed Brad and Derek. They eventually moved to Jerusalem and became shepherds.