CHARACTERS: LENNY, ZUTREEM, MR LIPTON LAMASK
ZUTREEM is a Butler but wears a black and white checkered unitard.
A posh townhouse
LENNY is seated. ZUTREEM is standing. Lights up
You are here because you passed all the necessary hurdles of the interview process.
Yes, thank you.
You were the only one who sufficiently even began to approach minimal qualification.
Thanks…
In a moment you will meet Mr. LaMask. This will be the real test to see if you are up to the task of ghost writing his autobiography.
I thought it was a biography, if I'm writing it...
GHOST-writing. You are the ghost. Your name is not to appear on the book. If you are chosen Mr. LaMask will tell you his memoirs, you will spend time with him, then you will organize the information and write the book. You will sign a secrecy clause, broken on pain of death. Mr. LaMask is too important to waste time writing a book! Here he is now!
ZUTREEM snaps into an "at attention" position.
Ladies and gentleman, Mr. and Mrs Lipton LaMask!
LIPTON LAMASK enters the room. He is in his sixties but still strong looking. His head is shaved bald and he wears a small masquerade mask over his eyes. He wears a smoking jacket, silk pants, and snake skin loafers with the heads of the snakes coming out of the tips of the loafers.
I'm the only one here.
Hush!
It's alright, Zutreem. What is your name?
Leonard Sokol.
Well, Mr. Sokol, I'm sure you've been adequately debriefed. We'll be spending the afternoon together, touring my townhouse, I'll tell you some of the things that happened here over the years. That way, we'll get to know each other a little bit and see if we can partner on this project. Any questions?
Yes, well, first, your, ah, butler-
Servant!
Yes, well, servant, Zutreem, announced you AND your wife. Was that a mistake?
ZUTREEM puts his face in his hands.
My wife gave up her earthly body and passed into the next plane many years ago. I always consider her a part of me, though. Zutreem claims he can still feel her.
Oh, yes!
So you are always announced with your wife?
Of course! Let's begin....please stay seated, I'd like to start with a few questions of my own…
Okay.
Have you ever been to Sarajevo?
No.
Do you know what I mean when I say "The Budapest Syndicate?"
No.
Do you believe in the Swedish Mafia?
I've never heard of one.
How about the mole people who live in the caves under New York City?
No, I don't believe in that. Um, does this stuff have to do with the book?
Forget the book!
Zutreem, please, be gentlemanly! Alright… now, Leonard, we can’t continue until you impress me.
Ok.
So...impress me.
Okay, what were you thinking?
Why does everything fall apart here?
Zutreem, please, remember the five courtesies!
Yes, I apologize.
Now, Leonard...this is where I want to see your spirit shine! I'm giving you a blank canvas. Paint!
Okay...once I was on vacation in Mexico and my girlfriend swam out too far in the ocean, and no life guards were around, so I swam out and got her, the ah, tide was very strong, it was right before a storm, everyone was on the beach—
Well that's very noble of you certainly, but Lenny, please understand... I want you to demonstrate who you are right here and now, before my eyes...show, don't tell!
(Pauses, starts getting up) You know, I appreciate the opportunity, but I don't think this job's for me...
(pulling out a gun) On third thought, maybe you should stay for tea!
Whoa, whoa, what the hell is going on here?
Gentlemen, relax please. Relax! No one's going to do anything rash. Lenny, I'm afraid you have come too far now to just get up and leave. I am man in a particular situation and must do things in a particular way. You have passed a point in the interview process whereby you cannot simply leave...you must complete the entire examination. Zutreem is a little hot-headed sometimes, but he's only looking out for my best interest....and you can see we have the means to keep you here if we must...so let's not make hasty decisions.
I think he knows about the Swedish Mafia!
Zutreem, please!
You’re holding me against my will. I'll call the cops.
Your cell phone won't work in here.
I can call when I get out. You're making a mistake! Let me go!
Every precinct on the eastern seaboard is in Mr. and Mrs. LaMask's pockets! You are now outside the realm of law and order!
I’m afraid he’s right. So now Lenny, you must decide what you are going to do.
(sits and pauses, despondent. Eventually starts singing) When I was seventeen....it was a very good year...it was a very good year for small town girls and soft summer nights....we'd hide from the lights....on the village green...when I was seventeen.
(singing) When I was twenty one...
Zutreem, please! Well, Leonard, you like Sinatra, that's nice. I have some of his records. You sounded a bit nervous, tight larynx, but I can understand. This is not, however, Star Search.
Or American Idol.
What's that?
A TV show.
Oh I haven't had time to watch TV in years. What do you think I do all day?
Maybe if you told me I could write this book.
Ohhh, a little venom on the tongue, eh? Now we're getting somewhere.
Oh, man …Oh, you know…you know what? …okay I admit it! I’m, I’m a part of the Budapest Syndicate! And if you kill me, all the shit’s gonna go down with the Swedish mafia, and you know those people who live under the city aren’t to be trusted!
So you know about the White House then? How I kept Clinton from being thrown out of office? Your boys did nothing! Zutreem, show him…
ZUTREEM hands LENNY some papers.
Oh my...this is you and Clinton…and undisclosed documents from the White House…
Don’t get excited, I’m not showing you the good stuff. Where were your people when that scandal hit? We always thought you thought I planted Monica Lewinsky! I mean, she did find the files…but I never met the woman! Well, obviously we’re at a stalemate, you have protection according to the 1978 Treaty…just be on your way and let’s not speak of this meeting ever!
No, wait!
Too late!
ZUTREEM walks over and pulls LENNY towards the door.
No, I’m a writer. I was bluffing! I’m actually very interested! I didn’t know! I thought you were lunatics!
Not to be trusted!
ZUTREEM takes him offstage then returns.
He has been evacuated.
Thank you, Zutreem (pauses) God, these people…we should have never put that “Help Wanted” ad on Craig’s List!
FIN