SCENE 1
INT. LINCOLN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
ABRAHAM LINCOLN is on his knees, praying on his bed. Above his bed is a series of plaques, reading "Employees of the country", with pictures of presidents and years attributed to them. The plaque reading "1861-65" has a blank area underneath it. MRS. LINCOLN snores in her separate bed, wearing a night mask.
NARRATOR
The Goat God smiled on Thursday. Abraham Lincoln was sad, and so he prayed to the Goat God. He was worried about the elections coming up in Amerivember, which is what President Buchanan renamed November to.
LINCOLN
Oh Goat God! My wife will leave me if I don't win the election. Also, you don't look like I thought you would.
GOAT GOD
I cannot relate to the internet.
LINCOLN
But you named me your favorite human! You have to help me!
NARRATOR
The Goat God smiled on Thursday. And that is how Abraham Lincoln became president.
SCENE 2
INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE
KNOWLEY PRINCETOWN (also NARRATOR), a man in his thirties, lies on a couch. Sitting across from him on a chair is DR. ABRAMOFF, who takes notes.
KNOWLEY
Dr. Abramoff, what does it mean?
DR. ABRAMOFF
Well, Mr. Princetown, either you don't have enough iron in your diet, or you're stressed out about some upcoming event... or you're in love with God.
KNOWLEY
But how can that be?
DR. ABRAMOFF
Do you masturbate to stories in the bible?
KNOWLEY
I mean the other stuff! And no. Well... no.
DR. ABRAMOFF
Then it's the iron.
KNOWLEY
Well, I have this big congressional address coming up. And, to be honest, I am stressed. I know it seems like I always know what I'm talking about, but..
DR. ABRAMOFF
No it doesn't.
KNOWLEY
Excuse me?
Dr. Abramoff stands up and walks over to his desk. He pours himself a glass of white wine.
DR. ABRAMOFF
There's a reason you're the youngest governor of Illinois. Wine?
KNOWLEY
Please tell me.
DR. ABRAMOFF
No, do you want wine?
KNOWLEY
Oh... I thought you said "why".
DR. ABRAMOFF
Who's the patient here?
The sun sets, and the clock strikes six. A bookcase slides backwards and to the side, revealing a secret passage. A SECRETARY walks through, holding a flask of red wine. She switches the white wine flask with the red one and exits through the secret passage.
DR. ABRAMOFF
Cancel my two A.M. appointment.
He looks at the red wine flask.
DR. ABRAMOFF
Dear me, I had no idea it was nightfall already.
He pours his glass of white wine on the floor and pours into his glass the red wine. He gestures, offering a glass once more. Knowley nods and sits up, and Dr. Abramoff pours him a glass.
KNOWLEY
I'm trying to cut back on the day wine.
DR. ABRAMOFF
Evening wine is better for the heart. And prostate.
KNOWLEY
Is it?
DR. ABRAMOFF
No, I just haven't filled my quota of Freudian slips for the day. Knowley, you are young and quite inexperienced. You won the election on your charm. But that's okay. That's how America works. But you lack the confidence of your peers. Unfortunately, I cannot personally help you. However, there is someone who can.
Knowley hangs his head and pours his glass onto the floor. Several other wine stains can be seen all over the carpet.
DR. ABRAMOFF
Knowley, lie back down and take a look at my clock.
Knowley looks up at the clock. It starts turning backwards, going faster and faster. Knowley looks around and can see time traveling backwards. When it stops, Abraham Lincoln is having sex with the same secretary from Abramoff's office, who is sitting on the desk. There are several crates in the room where furniture once was.
KNOWLEY
President Lincoln?
LINCOLN
Oh, didn't hear you knock.
KNOWLEY
Actually, I traveled back in time. I know that sounds kind of strange.
LINCOLN
Groovy.
KNOWLEY
You can't say "groovy"!
LINCOLN
I coined the phrase.
Secretary nods, affirming the claim, and moans.
KNOWLEY
Uh, should I wait outside?
LINCOLN
No, it's okay. I got a rhythm going, but I can talk at the same time.
KNOWLEY
Nice. Well, I guess my psychiatrist sent me back in time so I could talk to you.
They stop having sex and look at each other.
SECRETARY
What's a psychiatrist?
Lincoln shrugs.
KNOWLEY
Not the point. I have this congressional address, and...
LINCOLN
Oh, you feel bad about lying.
KNOWLEY
How did you know?
LINCOLN
Pfft, you're a politician. You tell me. (they resume having sex) The point is not to lie, but it's also not to believe your lies. The real goal is to turn your lies into the truth. That way, when you say it, you genuinely believe it, and so does everybody else.
KNOWLEY
I never thought of it that way. Hey, how did you know I wa..
LINCOLN
Congressional address? Who else gives one? Also, I know from the internet.
KNOWLEY
Wait a minute! I know for a fact that the internet-
LINCOLN
Do you even know why I'm here?
KNOWLEY
Well, you're here to help me out.
LINCOLN
I'm here because this is where the president's quarters are until tomorrow. See? You didn't know that cause you just assume that the history books are true. We're moving to Washington D.C. tomorrow.
KNOWLEY
Why?
LINCOLN
Too many scandals here.
Lincoln and Secretary wink at Knowley.
LINCOLN
But, you know too much now. Time to go.
Lincoln presses a button on the desk, and the couch falls through a trap door.
SCENE 3
EXT. HEAVEN
Knowley's couch falls onto a cloud, where GOD, dressed in the white robes, is having sex with the secretary on the same desk.
KNOWLEY
God??
GOD & SECRETARY (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
What?
Knowley stares, and Secretary presses the same button. Knowley falls through another trap door.
SCENE 4
INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE
Knowley and couch fall onto another Knowley lying on the couch. The couch and Knowley underneath are crushed to death. Dr. Abramoff is in the same position that Lincoln and God were, and he is reading a book that reads "Gideon's bible."
DR. ABRAMOFF
Oh yeah.
CUT TO BLACK