Lights up. A white wall stands in the middle of the stage, adorned with a painting of Napoleon at the breakfast table, two diplomas and a drawing of a dinosaur, obviously drawn in crayon and by a child. A plant sits at the far right of the wall. In front of the wall stands a desk, covered in papers, etc. Two Chairs sit on each side of the desk. Behind the desk sits CHARLIE, wearing a gray suit with a red tie and glasses. He looks up as AL, wearing jeans and an open dress shirt over a tee, pantomimes opening a door.
AL
Hi, you must be Charlie LaBell?
CHARLIE
Yeah, that’s me.
AL
Al Macken, pleasure to meet you (stands up, extends a hand) .
CHARLIE
(shakes hand) Same here.
AL
(motions towards the empty Chair) Please, take a seat.
CHARLIE
Thank you. (sits down, looking at the painting) This is a nice office you have.
AL
Why, thank you! You like the painting? I made it myself.
CHARLIE
Really? You have quite a talent.
AL
Oh, no, not that one. To the left.
CHARLIE
(looks at the dinosaur drawing, disappointed) Oh.
AL
No, below it.
CHARLIE
…the diploma?
AL
Yeah. It’s my pride and joy.
CHARLIE
So that’s not a real diploma then… so you didn’t graduate from Harvard.
Al stares coldly at Charlie. A long silence ensues.
AL
…Wait, do I respond or you?
CHARLIE
I was the last one to speak.
AL
Nevermind. (returns to his seat, begins to shuffle papers) I understand you’re the winner of our Altima European Death Chamber contest, where you and three of your best friends actually get to operate the medieval torture chambers of the Spanish Inquisition. You do know you’ll actually be torturing live people, right?
CHARLIE
Yes, I’m prepared.
AL
Excellent. So, I have your name, I just need the name of your three best friends.
CHARLIE
Jefferson Tinger, Paul Van Der Sar, and Eliza Torovsky
AL
(removes his glasses, rubs his forehead. He releases a heavy sigh, followed by a chuckle) Sir, do you understand what we mean by “best” friend?
CHARLIE
(furrows his eyebrows, leans inward) What?
AL
“BEST” friend. Not whoever was available that day.
CHARLIE
I’m sorry, I couldn’t get anybody else for Greater August! What’s the big problem? I can choose whomever I want, right?
AL
The rules say three of your best friends. It does not say three people of your choice. Do you read?
CHARLIE
I can’t remember how, actually.
AL
Oh, you have that condition too?
CHARLIE
You?
AL
(shakes head) No, W.
CHARLIE
Oh yeah, I heard his speeches are written in shapes cause it’s all he understands.
AL
I heard it’s actually a manifestation of all his thoughts in every math class he’s had.
CHARLIE
So, about the contest… What’s wrong with these people?
AL
You’re obviously not going to understand without a demonstration, will you? Very well. Let’s take a look through the window behind me. (he presses a button on his desk and speaks into the intercom) Bring’em out!
Jeff, Paul and Eliza walk into the room on the other side of the window and turn to face the Charlie and Al. They stand rigid and emotionless.
AL
Let’s start with the worst left. (he points at Jeff, who stands on the far right) He helped you cheat on the Columbia admissions test, because he wanted to see you get the best education that you deserved. Good friend, right?
CHARLIE
Of course!
AL
WRONG! If he were truly a good friend, he’d insist that you take that test without any illegal aids, because he wanted to see you make it on your own intelligence and integrity, because he had faith that you could get in without cheating, and he’d have encouraged you not to cheat, but to believe in yourself. Ten minutes!
CHARLIE
Wha, what? What’s the ten minutes for?
AL
That’s how long he’d be with you on the trip, cumulative. All the rest of the trip, he’d be drowning himself in pools of beer and girlies. (sigh) This job gets easier every day. Let’s move on, shall wass? (shakes his head as he stares at Paul) What were you thinking?
CHARLIE
Like I said, everybody else had “jobs” to go to those days. I forgot his name already.
AL
Pathetic. (motions his hand at Eliza) And now, what’s with the ex-girlfriend?
CHARLIE
We’re still friends.
AL
Why do you people think you fool everybody else? Nobody’s “still friends” after they break up.
CHARLIE
Oh, come on! It can happen!
AL
Maybe in fundamentalist societies and/or people on the show “Blind Date.” I mean, gimme a break. I don’t even know what you saw in her to begin with.
CHARLIE
I used to see two miniature gay camels fucking, cause she has a glass belly, but since the operation, she’s been jaded.
AL
Yeah, I used to see into the future. Speaking of soybean futures, what was wrong with Bob?
CHARLIE
Bob Luciano Poverotti? He’s playing golf with the Pope that week.
AL
Timmy. He’s always got time on his hands.
CHARLIE
Timmy’s dead. He’s been dead for fifteen years.
AL
Oh… that’s why he never returned your copy of The Pearl.
Charlie: How about Lee Nah? She’s a fox!
CHARLIE
I don’t even know who that is!
AL
Lee Nah? HELLO? Third to hopeless? She bought me this painting here, done by my Childs!
CHARLIE
Children.
AL
No, she does not call herself Julia Children, you moron. She actually painted this with the preserved food that Napoleon ate at his royal breakfast table in Paris on the night that he choked to death.
CHARLIE
Napoleon was exiled to a prison island, where he spent his last days there.
AL
(looks around, confused) Wait, where are we? We’re not in France, right? (Charlie shakes his head) Oh, that’s what I thought, smartass. When you’re in France, then you can argue your fuckin’ philosophies. That being said, one more obscenity out of you and you can forget your vacation!
CHARLIE
But you said the “N” word, too!
AL
I’m allowed to say “Napoleon,” I work here.
CHARLIE
How the hell do you know all about me and my friends anyway?
AL
That’s my job. And quite frankly, I need a vacation. Why don’t you and I just go to the equator?
CHARLIE
You mean they actually drew a line around the world?
AL
You didn’t hear?
CHARLIE
In that case, let’s go!
The two men stand up. They tear off their clothes to reveal Hawaiian shirts and cargo shorts. A ukulele starts to play as the two dance off stage. Lights down. Fin.